Represent! Even When Screwing

Music can set the mood, but too often we fixate on shit like Roxy Music and "Gregorian Chants Concerning Eels." Fact: the single most knee-buckling blowjob I've ever received was rendered unto me as The Monkees' "Pleasant Valley Sunday" chortled away on a nearby stereo. Pleasant Valley, indeed! Now, whenever I see Mike Nesmith's greasy mug, I think back to the infamous fellatio-that-almost-killed-me. But in a good way.

Oral Fixation

Dear Ken & Ariel: My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months, and we have a very active, exciting sex life. But when it comes to hand jobs and oral sex, she's not very good. In fact, she's very bad. How do I tactfully tell her I'd like to spend a little time on technique? I've tried to gently suggest how she go about it during sex, but she doesn't respond very well in the heat of the moment. Help?

Ariel Says: You remind me of the old joke about the virgin who gets hand job advice: "you know, shake it like a bottle of ketchup." Well, there are several ways of getting ketchup out of a bottle, one of which is turning the bottle upside down and giving it a few furious whacks. Yeeeouch. As much as I thought you can't really screw up a hand job or a blow job, tragic tales such yours are beginning to surface and methinks we may even need a 12 step program soon for all these pecker abusers. The penis is a wonderful creation, and we must protect it! Now to the actual logistics of your problem -- how to let your lady friend know she needs serious improvement without crushing her enthusiasm, misguided as it is. My suggestion is to get, like, one of those Costco gallons of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion, and invite her over for some playful foreplay. Just as things are about to get started, tell her brightly, "Hey, by the way, I just read about this fucking AWESOME hand job method in Stuff--do you think we can try it out?"

Then demonstrate, using both your hands. Think "The Miracle Worker", the porno version. Next, ask her if there's anything that she would like YOU to try out on HER. You know, cuz you're just that kind of guy. This takes the pressure off and makes you seem like the best lover on the planet.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Ken Says: Let this serve as testament to all those who claim, “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob.” In fact, there is, and there’s nothing on this planet as disheartening than having your pecker in some girl’s mouth and your mind on Kevin Youkilis’ batting average. In my experience, it all comes down to enthusiasm: when a girl actually enjoys the idea of giving a dude a smoothie, that enjoyment’s gonna come through in the finished product. If she doesn’t, then it’s like getting dragged to your second cousin’s bar mitzvah: you’re only doing it because you feel you have to. Unfortunately, unless you’re paying your date fifty bucks an hour, it’s your job to help create that enthusiasm. Being clean, having a good sense of humor, and returning the favor are probably the best ways to do that.

Playing The Field

Dear Ken & Ariel: In this day and age, it seems that women are far too interested in playing the field and not committing to a long term relationship. I can understand their wanting to have fun, but in my case my last two girlfriends have come crawling back to me after "having their fun", and I feel like I'm selling myself short by letting them back. So with the last one, I gave her a dose of her own medicine and stated that I wanted to have my fun. She's all pissed off, and actually I feel guilty. What is your opinion?

Ken Says:There’s an upside and a downside to women wanting to “play the field.” The upside is when you’re wobbling though last call at the local pub and some BU chick is crying in her beer about how her long-distance boyfriend who’s taking a semester in Peru just doesn’t seem to care anymore. That’s when you – fueled by one dollar drafts – slide in to the rescue, giving her a ear to bend, a shoulder to weep upon, and a johnson to keep her occupied until Peru guy sails back. The downside, of course, is being Peru guy, staring wistfully into the South American skies while your girl’s servicing half the lacrosse team back home. But let’s be honest; as a guy, I can vouch that our willingness to let a girl back into our hearts is directly proportionate to how hot and/or amazing in bed she is. Otherwise, why would you want to maintain a relationship with someone who basically shows up back on your doorstep saying, “Okay, I’m done having sex with other guys. Let’s party.”

Ariel Says: Thanks to the equality of the sexes, y’all get to experience what we’ve putting up with for thousands of years. So yeah, I admit it--I’m pretty psyched. But let me get off my high horse and tell you what happens when I let the no-good bum back into my heart and into my 750-count sheets.

Ring Ring! (That’s my phone.)

“Um, Hello?”

“Hey Ariel, we’ll be at Shooters at 10, what time are you coming by?”

“Oh geez, Paula, I’m not going to be able to go out tonight.”

“What?!? Why not?!?”

“Uh…I don’t feel good?”

“Yeah, right. Since when have you turned down $1 drafts? Wait a minute…Is that fuckface Derek back?”

“No, no! Well…OK, maybe? But you know what Paula, he’s changed, he said he totally missed me and—“

“Bitch, cut the shit. You know that ain’t true.”

“But Paula—“

“Don’t you start that bullshit with me. Remember the time he got a blow job from that bitch Charlene in the back seat of YOUR car?”

“Yeah…”

“And remember the time he stole your checkbook and tried to cash checks at Building 19?”

“Yeeah…”

“And remember—“

“OK, OK! I get it. I’ll see you at 10.”

So, my advice would be that the next time your no-good hussy comes crawling back after “having her fun,” think of my friend Paula, whose wise words I believe transcend both gender and circumstance: “Bitch, cut the shit.” Don’t settle for less and kick her to the curb.