Happy New Year

New Year's Eve, or as many like to call it, the last Amateur Night of '06, is fast approaching. Quick, before your better half wakes up in '07, it's your last chance to smoke Marlboro Reds, do shots (the usual sophisticated concoction--tequila and strawberry Kool-Aid), smoke bad weed ("Hey, this smells like burnt banana! Did you fuckin toast banana peels again, man?!?"), eat your fave cartoon-characters cereal, followed by McD's/KFC/Hometown Buffet, followed by Krispy Kreme donuts, sit on your couch in your underwear waiting for your arteries to harden and your muscles to finally dissolve, have sex with that clearly unavailable/emotionally retarded, baggage-laden cutie, watch porn. That's a lot to accomplish in one weekend. But I know you can DO IT!

Happy New Year, everyone.

Like Red Bull for My Libido

Just when I'd gotten over my Denise Austin thing and figgered I'd be able to make it out the door in the morning without time-consuming self-molestation, along comes FitTV's Bellydancing Workout.

Looks like I'll be foregoing breakfast indefinitely.

My Stocking Stuffer

Yes please, Santa...

Have a great holiday everyone!

My Future Wife, Found on YouTube

Sweet fancy moses! That there's an ARSE!

Also... further proof that I'm not watching near enough of the Spanish Channel these days...

Are You Temptation's Biyyotch?

I personally try to avoid those men who are "taken" whenever possible. It's funny, even if they are super cute it's almost as if the switch gets turned to "off" as soon as I realize they are married or have a girlfriend. Maybe it's because I have such good morals. Or more likely, because I got my ass beat one too many times by an angry significant other (Hell hath no fury, etc etc etc.)
However, I do have friends, male and female, that cannot resist. For them, the fact that the person is unavailable is an aphrodisiac. They see a wedding ring or hear the word "girlfriend" and their eyes light up like Ralphie on Christmas morn. Suddenly, this person is THE ONE, at least for tonight. It's on. And I think, biyyotch, you are gonna git tore up. But perhaps that's part of the thrill?

More Tenacious Than a Jehovah's Witness...

One of the things that Ariel has to contend with -- in addition to such desperate opening lines as, "Hey, aren't you Mena Suvari?" -- is the continuous flow of text messages from yours truly, asking her to send me a pic of herself. Or, more specifically, a pic of some random body part.

Occasionally, like the rich businessperson who tosses a coin in the beggar's cup, she obliges me, with a tattoo close-up or something non-incriminating. But for the most part, her response is typically, "Christ, that pervert again," and a quick swipe of the delete key.

But my feeling is, why the fuck else would someone put a camera on a phone than to keep insatiable miscreants like myself happy? I mean, the image quality is, for the most part, so bad, you wouldn't produce anything you'd actually want to keep around or, say, enter in a local photography contest. What else is it good for, then, than discreet snapping of college chicks on the T or random self-portraits (nude or otherwise)? I'm willing to bet that any boardroom meeting held to define the genesis of these camera phones included at least one Powerpoint slide dedicated to "increased trafficking of photos of hot chicks."

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. So, Ariel... how 'bout a pic?

Boy Toy or Jail Bait?

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." - Wooderson

Call me young at heart. In general, I'm attracted to, and have dated younger men. No big deal, right? 2 years younger, feh. 5 years younger, ooh, aren't you cute. 8, 9 years younger...what do you mean, you don't remember Reagan?

See, as I get older, and cute boys get ever younger, I do start to get a little uncomfortable. Am I a pre-cursor to an alcoholic vamp, scheming ways to seduce her daughter's high school boyfriend (as a good Mrs. Robinson/MILF would do)? I see those mug shots of female teachers in the news lately (which turn Ken's boxers into table tents) and I think, geez, she's not THAT much older than me!

As I age, must I settle for the Viagra-popping, hair-receding end of the gene pool, or do I go to jail happy?

It's Tough Out There for a Pimp

Back in college, I got one hell of a lot of action, thanks to my buddy Pam.

Not actually from Pam, mind you. But from her friends.

Pam was a drinkin' buddy of mine. Lived down the hall. Nice smile. Great ass. Dating a guy back home in Orange, CT, and faithful to a fault. But when her female pals came up to visit... let's just say Pam was good about hooking her boys up.

"Hey, Jennifer, this is Ken! He's from Boston."

"Toni. Come meet my buddy Ken. He's really cool."

"Mary, Ken. Ken, Mary."

I can't say exactly how many of her friends I banged, but it was a goodly amount. Until one day, perhaps fueled by alcohol, she called me and my buddies on it. "I'm like your fucking pimp, for chrissakes!" and she stormed out of the room, even though we'd swear she started this whole sordid routine. We were just a bunch of testosterone pumping, Heineken guzzling dudes looking for an easy score. And she was more or less bringin' 'em right to our doorstep.

She never brought 'em around after that blowout, though. And no one really had the balls to ask her if she had any other friends from back home we hadn't nailed yet. But it did get me thinking: Are there a lot of women out there who will actually hook up their guy pals in such a fashion? They've been pretty rare in my experience. Once Pam closed up shop, the pimpin' wasn't easy.

Aural Fixation

Songs tend to evoke strong emotions; some can make you cry, like Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails' Hurt. Or some can cause you to dance, to laugh, or to shake uncontrollably with convulsions, such as Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind". They also can bring you back down memory lane in an instant. Dave Matthews Band's Crush has that particular effect on me. Here, in easy-to-follow Haiku format, is my flashback, no acid required.

Matt and I are drunk
Cops don't like disturbances
Hide behind Bill's bar
"Crush" plays; me so horny.

I Likee.

A new Joan Jett video featuring Carmen Electra as an insatiable bisexual?

I gotta say. I'm totally down with that.



BTW, is Joan Jett -- who's gotta be, what? Pushin' fifty? -- still totally smoking hot or what?

Simple Math

Women + alcohol = the winning combination.

Just One More Indication that Ariel REALLY Needs to Get Laid.

I don't consider myself the ultimate target audience for chick flicks--"The Transporter" and "Zoolander" being some of my faves--but yeah, you can catch me on the couch watching "Bridget Jones" for the 15th time, or singing along to Abba songs in "Muriel's Wedding." Then I catch the trailer for this latest atrocity from Hollywood's pseudo-uterus: "The Holiday." Through some contrived B.S., the ladies do a house/country swap. Cameron Diaz hooks up with Jude Law, and Kate Winslet gets...Jack Black? Jack Black, who prefers stained Underoos to pants in most of his roles, who recalls my fourth grade nemesis, Timmy Dexter, whose chunky, Hostess-cupcake-formed body, snot-nosed face, and wiffle-haircut still gives me the shudders? They stick the stick insect with the pretty boy, while the one chick in Hollyweird who has a normal female physique and is, IMHO, one of the most beautiful women on the planet, gets the guy with man boobs and an ever-so-slight possibilty of Down's Syndrome. Gee, can't wait.

PS-sorry for the delay folks, we experienced technical difficulties.