I'll Miss the Olympics

Turns out I was wrong. The Olympics is FUCKING SPECTACULAR television.

Is it just me,

.

Or does Vince, from HBO's Entourage, look a little bit like...

...Mikey, from The Monkees?

.

Just a thought.

Put Me In, Coach!

Understand: I'd rather be on the receiving end of a hornet enema than watch the Olympics. Or at least I once felt that way. Then I saw Jennie Finch pitching for Team USA. Now I'm using the slo-mo and freeze-frame features in a manner once reserved for porno. U-S-A! U-S-A!

For the first time, in the history of the publication, Playboy was actually perused FOR THE ARTICLES:

There's a first time for everything.

my beer goggles need lasik eye surgery--STAT

Whenever I'm bored, which is every 2.5 seconds, I like to Google ex boyfriends. I usually start with "America's Most Wanted" 's web site and go from there. Sometimes, I come up with fifty thousand Jim O'Briens (damn those Irish, can't they come up with more names?), all part of some Mormon ancestry site-- "Jim married Martha in 1823 and had two children, Ezekiel and Hezekiah..." But sometimes I get lucky, and I hit the jackpot. And I find PICTURES. Then the next words out of my mouth are, "Fuckin Hell, what in the CHRIST was I thinking?!!?"
When I was dating so-and-so, beer goggles and daily fucking convinced me he was a hottie. I would jokingly warn my friends, "Hey, watch out, I know y'all want him but I've peed on him, hands off." And they would roll their eyes. Now I realize that it wasn't the roll of your eyes like, oh Ariel, you're paranoid but oh so right, your man is sooo cute. It was a roll of the eyes like, "Oh God I'm about to puke, he's so repulsive, she can't be serious. Quick, look up at the ceiling! Regain composure!" I'd be thinking he looks like this, but instead he looked more along the lines of this.
Anyway, I need to either stop hitting the keg or tell my doc to burn out my eye sockets. Stay tuned...

"I see yours have feet too. Cool!"

Apparently, "cuddle parties" -- in which you can pay a nominal fee to lounge around in your PJs and grope other pajama-clad patrons -- are all the rage in New York. So if you've ever felt the urge to dry hump your mailman or dentist, I guess this would be the place to go.

slim pickins

Y'all have your Ashlee Simpson/Hillary Duff/barely legal Olsen twins, but this is all we got. Or worse, the white home boy from the Backstreet Boys who "dated" Paris Hilton. I know you're hot for teacher, Ken, and boys love little girls, but red-blooded, all -American girls love MEN.

Insert Immature Laughter Here

As part of the movement to "sex up" Scrabble for the younger set, we now have "Scrabble: Rack Attack." All I can think is that somewhere, someone is missing a golden opportunity. Tell me a saucy ad campaign featuring Jessica Simpson wouldn't be a hit, while simultaneously triggering the apocalypse.