Screwing in the Office: A Primer

1. Remember that the building is never empty. Even if it is empty, tell yourself it isn't. Because then you'll always take the precaution of locking your office door. And this is perhaps the most important rule. Unless, of course, you want to spend the next three months explaining to your IT guy why Jenna from Accounting was sitting on your face when he walked in to upgrade your PC. I've been there, buddy. He's not gonna buy it.

2. Clear off your desk before fucking on it. Sweat and pubic hair aren't going to improve the Kresgee Report. Actually, they might improve it a bit, but the folks at Kresgee probably won't appreciate it.

3. Clean off your desk after fucking on it. The life of the average fella on the night cleaning crew is fairly boring, and nothing makes the evening move faster than a spirited game of "find the ass prints." Don't let 'em find any on your desk.

4. Again, lock the office door. Even if it's not your office. Lock that fucker.

5. Discretion is key. The two of you can't just casually walk out of your office at 10:07pm with hair askew, smelling of ass and sweat. Because, as you'll recall, the building is never empty. One of you must casually leave the office and head outside while the other remains quietly in place, waiting at least ten minutes before follwing suit. If you hear a noise or suspect a coworker may be lurking, one of you should leave while the other heads out the window and repels down the outside of the building.

6. If you know you're "working late," wear a skirt, Ladies. While you look pretty fucking smoking in those tight white pants, getting them back on quickly -- as in "Did I just hear someone working the copy machine?" -- can be tough. But the skirt rolls back into place rather seamlessly, in case of emergency.

7. Never let on. Most office flings are eventually undone by inability to keep one's emotions in check until the next snog session. It's important to remain an enigma, and keep the hounds off the trail. For example, let's say you've been screwing Debra, and one day, as Debra walks by, Phil from Accounts Payable says something like, "Man, I'd give my mother's last kidney for a taste of that." Repress the traditional male urge to extend your thumb and pinky and wave your hand at the wrist while chuckling, "Dude, I've been there, and it's freakin' amazing." Instead, throw out something like, "I prefer a snazzy dresser, like Johnny Kwan in IT." Works every time.

8. Lastly, always, always lock the door. Nothing ruins a blow job more than your boss watching you get one. Trust me.