You Don't Know What It's Like... to Be Me
Savvy readers of this blog -- or basically anyone's who's dropped by to read one or two of my posts -- already know that I've got something of a fetish for having my face sat on. People who read a bit closer between the lines will see that I would apparently also have a thing for... having my face sat on by a woman while she's still wearing her pants.
The fuck? What the hell does that even mean, you might ask. But, sadly, it's all true. And damned if I can explain it, although I'm sure it can be blamed on the priest dressed up as a hermit crab who touched me indecently on my fourteenth birthday.
Anyway, yeah. I'm kinda into that. But the thing is, it's not the sort of concept you can just throw out there in a one-on-one situation. You choose 'em wisely. If it's a girl I've been dating/seeing/screwing for some time, then I have no problem -- especially after I've had a few -- asking if she'd be willing to do it. One night stands, on the other hand, are a lot tougher; although "anything goes" is typically the rule, asking a girl you just met at the local over tequila shots to sit on your face with her jeans on typically elicits either laughter (as in, "He's obviously joking") or laughter (as in, "He's clearly homicidal and I just have to play along until I can call the cops or render him unconscious with a frying pan") or laughter (as in, "What the fuck. Okay."--admittedly rare.)
But there are only a handful of women you can request something like this of, as I'm often concerned about them going off and telling other people. Which calls to mind a great episode of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Jeff, Larry's BFF, separates from his wife and worries that in divorce proceedings, she might start blabbing about his various kinks and fetishes. Larry counters by proudly stating that he's never shared anything even remotely deviant with his wife, so she'd have no dirt on him if they ever split.
Then, as is the case on Curb, everything unspools but quickly. Larry drives past his wife's buddy Wanda and innocently yells a comment about her backside, setting off a chain of events that has Larry, by episode's end, looking like the King of Ass Fetish Mountain (and there is such a position; I've even applied for it a few times).
Here's one of the episode's best sequences, when Larry's wife and Wanda confront him on the comment:
As a professional ass fetishist, let me reiterate: It's not an easy job. But somebody's got to do it.
The fuck? What the hell does that even mean, you might ask. But, sadly, it's all true. And damned if I can explain it, although I'm sure it can be blamed on the priest dressed up as a hermit crab who touched me indecently on my fourteenth birthday.
Anyway, yeah. I'm kinda into that. But the thing is, it's not the sort of concept you can just throw out there in a one-on-one situation. You choose 'em wisely. If it's a girl I've been dating/seeing/screwing for some time, then I have no problem -- especially after I've had a few -- asking if she'd be willing to do it. One night stands, on the other hand, are a lot tougher; although "anything goes" is typically the rule, asking a girl you just met at the local over tequila shots to sit on your face with her jeans on typically elicits either laughter (as in, "He's obviously joking") or laughter (as in, "He's clearly homicidal and I just have to play along until I can call the cops or render him unconscious with a frying pan") or laughter (as in, "What the fuck. Okay."--admittedly rare.)
But there are only a handful of women you can request something like this of, as I'm often concerned about them going off and telling other people. Which calls to mind a great episode of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Jeff, Larry's BFF, separates from his wife and worries that in divorce proceedings, she might start blabbing about his various kinks and fetishes. Larry counters by proudly stating that he's never shared anything even remotely deviant with his wife, so she'd have no dirt on him if they ever split.
Then, as is the case on Curb, everything unspools but quickly. Larry drives past his wife's buddy Wanda and innocently yells a comment about her backside, setting off a chain of events that has Larry, by episode's end, looking like the King of Ass Fetish Mountain (and there is such a position; I've even applied for it a few times).
Here's one of the episode's best sequences, when Larry's wife and Wanda confront him on the comment:
As a professional ass fetishist, let me reiterate: It's not an easy job. But somebody's got to do it.
Labels: my dumb life, we like to watch
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