Oral Fixation

Dear Ken & Ariel: My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months, and we have a very active, exciting sex life. But when it comes to hand jobs and oral sex, she's not very good. In fact, she's very bad. How do I tactfully tell her I'd like to spend a little time on technique? I've tried to gently suggest how she go about it during sex, but she doesn't respond very well in the heat of the moment. Help?

Ariel Says: You remind me of the old joke about the virgin who gets hand job advice: "you know, shake it like a bottle of ketchup." Well, there are several ways of getting ketchup out of a bottle, one of which is turning the bottle upside down and giving it a few furious whacks. Yeeeouch. As much as I thought you can't really screw up a hand job or a blow job, tragic tales such yours are beginning to surface and methinks we may even need a 12 step program soon for all these pecker abusers. The penis is a wonderful creation, and we must protect it! Now to the actual logistics of your problem -- how to let your lady friend know she needs serious improvement without crushing her enthusiasm, misguided as it is. My suggestion is to get, like, one of those Costco gallons of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion, and invite her over for some playful foreplay. Just as things are about to get started, tell her brightly, "Hey, by the way, I just read about this fucking AWESOME hand job method in Stuff--do you think we can try it out?"

Then demonstrate, using both your hands. Think "The Miracle Worker", the porno version. Next, ask her if there's anything that she would like YOU to try out on HER. You know, cuz you're just that kind of guy. This takes the pressure off and makes you seem like the best lover on the planet.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Ken Says: Let this serve as testament to all those who claim, “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob.” In fact, there is, and there’s nothing on this planet as disheartening than having your pecker in some girl’s mouth and your mind on Kevin Youkilis’ batting average. In my experience, it all comes down to enthusiasm: when a girl actually enjoys the idea of giving a dude a smoothie, that enjoyment’s gonna come through in the finished product. If she doesn’t, then it’s like getting dragged to your second cousin’s bar mitzvah: you’re only doing it because you feel you have to. Unfortunately, unless you’re paying your date fifty bucks an hour, it’s your job to help create that enthusiasm. Being clean, having a good sense of humor, and returning the favor are probably the best ways to do that.