Free Advice Fridays Presents: Caution! Cougar Crossing

Ken and Ariel: I like your column, and I have a question: I've been dating this girl for about 6 months, and when she took me home to meet her mother, I was instantly smitten. She's 53 and incredibly hot. Also, she's been giving me these flirtatious signs, and now I've got this incredible urge to bang her. Am I sick, or should I pursue this?

Ariel Says: Ken? Ken, is that you?!? OK, "not Ken", what do you think I'm going to tell you? I'm going to tell you that Mrs. Robinson is so last century, the "Rumor Has It" movie tanked, and MLFS are for teenage boys. In my humble opinion, this is about your fear of commitment. You've only been dating six months, and she's already taking you home to meet the parents, which is the next logical step towards eventual monogamy (and she's not that young if her mom is 53, so you think her clock may be TICK! TOCK!-ing) so you're freaking out. You wouldn't be having these thoughts if you came across mom in her Saturday morning mall walkers group, would you? It's the forbidden fruit, the ultimate taboo that would conveniently get you kicked out of domestic bliss and the youth soccer coaching gig they're lining up for you right quick. So suck it up, shake it off and deal with the real issue at hand -- whether or not this girl is really the one for you.

Ken Says: Dude, take it from me. Beware the elder pussy. Not that there aren’t a lot of scintillating older women in this world. God knows that nothing conjures more evil thoughts in my loins than the sight of a forty-something mom with a tramp stamp on her lower back, trying to snake her ass into the same skinny jeans as her teenage daughter. But it’s typically better in theory than practice, no matter how much of smokeshow she may be. For one thing, you’re gonna risk losing your young and undeniably tight-assed girlfriend for a woman whose ass – no matter how nice it may look in jeans – has got 53 years of mileage on it. Second, you run the risk of having two women want to slice your balls off with a cleaver. And lastly – and this is most important – think of your girl’s dad. Bad enough he’s already pissed that you’re trying to make time with his little girl. If he finds out you’re after his wife as well, you may find yourself at the bottom of the Charles River. And not in a good way. Roll with the young, my friend.