South of No North

At what point are thongs officially considered suspenders? Because a recent visit to the local mall has led me to the conclusion that we are getting dangerously close to the point that the beloved low-rise-jeans-and-thong combo -- the very same combo that I have long maintained is the true reason God invented eyes -- devolves into comedy. And we can't have that.

Ladies, I love the way your thong creeps suggestively along your hips, rising and falling with each step, causing me to walk into walls, stammer like Rain Man, and try to conjure in my mind the beauty that lies just a bit further south. But once you're revealing more than four inches of thong, unless you're on the set of the latest L'il Wayne video, you might as well be wearing clown feet and riding an emu. Leave that look for the brave men and women of our nation's fire departments, and embrace the warm glow of suggestion. As always, I promise to mop up my drool.