Free Advice Fridays Presents: Go Get 'Em, Tiger

Dear Ken & Ariel: So I'm recently divorced. I was married for only 17 months but we were together much longer. I'm 31 years old and find myself in the unfamiliar territory of the dating world. It’s been almost 1/2 a decade since I've been on a date and I was just wondering what's changed and what can I expect? Where do I start? Any help would be welcomed.

Ken Says: Actually, dude, I have a question for you: Have you recently been on a safari to Africa? I ask this because if you were, you need to get yourself to a doctor, first thing. Because you were probably bitten by a mosquito carrying malaria, as you’re definitely showing the symptoms, the most prominent of which are unclear thinking and irrational behavior. Dude, you just got out of a relationship that lasted, according to your letter, at least five years and ended in divorce. The last thing you need to be doing is sizing up potential replacements. My suggestion: lock yourself in a Chinatown hotel room with three hookers and six bottles of whiskey. Or try to pick up some chick in the lodge at Killington and ask if she’ll blow you on the chairlift. Or hop a quick flight to Vegas with two thousand dollars and no luggage whatsoever. In other words, the best way to clear your mind after the dissolution of a long-term relationship is to get out there and experience the shit you weren’t able to do for the past five years. Once you wake up on the Mexican border with no pants, a tattoo you don’t remember and a sizable hickey across your abdomen, I’d say you’re ready to start dating again.

Ariel Says:Honey, as much as you may feel out of touch, not much has changed. The sluts are still slutty (huzzah!), the gold diggers are still shoppin’ (booo), and the ones saving themselves already got married at 19 (and are probably at your lawyer’s right now filing annulment paperwork.) Only thing that’s different is that now you can select your next hottie boombalattie from the privacy of your own home. No silly, put down the Yellow Pages, I wasn’t talking about an escort service! I meant the bevy of online dating sites with the really stupid commercials. Since you’ve been in a cave for the past decade, here’s a quick reference guide: For your “I’ve never been one of those people who goes out and hooks up with random people…[but] I’d like to be for a little while” (you sly dog, you), check out Lavalife.com. If you want old farts, go to E-harmony.com. If you want the Southeast Expressway of dating, try Match.com. Jdate=no shiksas. Craigslist is generally good for glory holes, anger fucks, obscene phone callers and some great second-hand couches. Nerve.com happily caters to your inner freak. And, the Onion personals are for girls (and guys) who secretly want to boff Jon Stewart. So, instead of letting your fingers do the walking, let your browser do the stalking and get that cute butt OUT THERE!