Exhibitonists I've Met at the Gym

Everyone's got the earphones working at the gym, which makes sense. When you're sweating like an ox or wondering to yourself why you're doing this when you really don't have to, it's nice to be sequestered in your own, personal space. But what I truly need is something to cover my eyes, something to let that impossibly buff 40-something with the ass carved out of granite that I'm not getting hypnotized by the gentle, up-and-down motion of her body as she works the assisted chin-up machine. Or that I'm in no way tracing every drop of sweat marching down that college girl's chiseled abs. And that I'm especially not trying to track the growing perspiration stain marching westward across the backside of that college girl's sweatpants.

But there are those who would sabotage my best efforts to remain in the zone, either due to their allure or the pure spectacle of their idiocy on display. In my gym, these people are as follows:

1) "Have You Seen My Ass?" Girl: So dubbed my me for her ritual of setting up a bench in front of the mirrors, then facing the mirrors while she kneels on the bench to do some sort of bizarre exercise I've never seen before -- some convoluted thing in which she arches her back and moves her neck up and down, side to side. I've decided it's basically a means for her to show off her ass to the whole gym and gauge folks' reactions to said bum in the mirror. Either way, she's part of the reason I overlooked the recent $5-a-month fee increase.

2) "Have You Seen My Chest?" Guy: This joker comes in every day in a zip-up sweatshirt jacket that is always conveniently un-zippered so that, I presume, we can all see his chest and/or wish our own wardrobes included such dazzling sweat apparel. I once overheard him tell a woman on an elliptical machine, "You've got excellent stride." If any of you ladies are interested, I'd be happy to ask if he's single.

3) "Have You Seen My Tattoo?" Girl: Right before getting on the treadmill or doing anything for that matter, this girl always adjusts the waistband of her workout pants, gently rolling them down so that the tattoo directly above one of her ass cheeks is visible to all. It's a ritual that I'm sure everyone in the place has seen by now, and while I'm not complaining, it always struck me as kind of a "cry for help."

4) "The Perv": That's me, actually. Hi!