This Just In: Jessica Alba Has a Pretty Nice Ass

Wake the neighbors, folks: A group of mathematicians at the prestigious Cambridge University have deduced -- likely using tools and intellect that the rest of us can only dream of -- that Jessica Alba has a pretty awesome rear end.

No, seriously. They used science and shit to prove this. It was in the goddam Telegraph, an actual newspaper, blokes. Check it:

Jessica Alba, the film actress, has the ultimate sexy strut, according to a team of Cambridge mathematicians.

The academics found that it is the ratio between hips and waist that puts the sway into a woman's walk - and the nearer that ratio is to 0.7, the better.

This ratio provides the body with the right torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce to the hips during the walking motion.

Therefore, a woman with a 25in waist and 36in hips would have just the right proportions to carry off a sexy swagger as she walks.

The Jessica Alba sashay beat off competition from Kate Moss, Angelina Jolie and even Marilyn Monroe, whose walk along a railway platform in Some Like It Hot is one of the most famous in film history.

While Monroe was a fraction off the target ratio with 0.69, the Cambridge team said that Alba had the perfect proportions.

Okay, so it's more about how she moves her ass than her ass itself. But give me a break, will ya. I'm still dazed at the fact that my two favorite things -- Jessica Alba's ass and British mathematicians -- have joined forces to create a whole new level of awesomeness.