Free Advice Fridays

Why does every guy have a "catch"? After almost giving up on meeting a normal dude in Boston, I finally scored a decent guy who is gainfully employed [not an "artist" or "musician" or "in between jobs" or "a wanna-be pro skateboarder"], owns a suit, opens doors for me and bought me roses on the first date! Two months in, though, and we're messing around when he tells me he wants to put his tongue up my ass. In fact, it turns out the only thing that gets him really hot is putting his tongue up my ass. A lot. I am NOT INTO THAT AT ALL and honestly don't need a guy's nose up my butt, thank you very much. Any way to wean him off it and not lose him?

Ken Says: The answer, in a nutshell, is no. You see, contrary to popular belief, guys can change. Unfortunately, most of this change is fueled by the desire for sex. For example, if we have an aversion to Thai food, but meet an incredibly hot chick who has the stuff six times a week, we can learn to tolerate it. Likewise, if we’re trying to hook up with a girl who has money and upper-crusty parents to impress, w e can ditch our Red Sox caps and do some of those “special” things, like shave, floss or put on underwear. On the other hand, if a guy’s into sticking his tongue up your ass, or dressing up as Darth Vader before mounting you, or playing “Kung Fu Fighting” in the background while you’re screwing, or anything else for that matter, it’s pretty much not going to change. We’ll take a bath, shave the goatee, or miss kickoff because you want to take your parents to Sunday brunch, but the one area where we can’t pull a 180 is sex. If we like it, we like it, and if you don’t wanna do it, then it’s back to the Cask n’ Flagon for us so we can find a girl who will.

Ariel Says: I love the fact that your "decent, normal" dude is an ass-licker. Sure, the artist or musician will start storing shit in your apartment and never buy you a meal or coffee, but at least those narcissistic fuckers are far too busy licking their own asses to bother with yours. Anyway. By the sound of it, you've attempted and failed to enjoy the sheer wonderment of a personal bidet. That's totally OK. But chances are you may not "wean him off of it." That sounds suspiciously mothering, as if you have a child who constantly plays with himself in public and you keep smacking his hand and saying "No!". A phrase comes to mind: "Don't deprive, replace." Take more risks with your sex life and start experimenting-flavored lotions, whipped cream, toys, fantasy, starting your very own adult film company-hey, whatever works for you. He may find another alternative that, while not as mind-blowing as that taste of heaven between your sweet cheeks, may still be something you both can enjoy.