Free Advice Friday

Dear K&A: A couple weekends ago, me and a bunch of my coworkers went out after work and got drunk. And I ended up going home with and sleeping with a girl from the office. She was definitely not one of my prouder conquests, but we were both drunk and had a good time. Since then, she's been e-mailing me regularly looking for a repeat performance. The other day, she got transferred to my department, literally sitting two cubes down from me. Am I screwed?

Ken Says: Dude. There’s a reason your grandfather told you to never fish off the company pier. The old man knew his shit. The risk is far too enormous to even contemplate. First, there’s the potential for reputation obliteration. Gossip travels fast through corporate rest rooms and cubicles, my friend. Do you really want your boss to know your innermost sexual quirks – be it giving overweight girls a brummmski or dressing your cock up in a tiny pilgrim hat and suit? And do you really want those hotties in accounting hearing about your struggles with whiskey dick? Or worse -- especially since you note the chick wasn't one of your "prouder conquests" -- do you want them thinking you’re a bottom feeder? Second, there's always the chance that -- as you've discovered -- you'll end up working in the same department or as an underling to said chick. Put simply, it's never a good idea, and if I were you, I'd just start floating the old resume. Although I should note that every rule has its exceptions, and in the case of screwing around with an office mate, the exception is interns. They're usually young, female, incredibly hot, good for about six appletinis during post-work drinking sessions, and eager to make an impression on anyone who might be able to catapult their position in the company. The bonus here is that interns typically have little or no pull, and they're usually gone once September hits. Just watch out for the old "piss in the coffee" routine; once you’ve banged and scorned an intern, you probably have to start pouring your own.

Ariel Says: Screwed? Uh, yeah. You dipped your pen in the company ink, thou shattest where thou ate, and now the classic "a case of the Mondays" takes on a whole new meaning as you pass her eager, expectant gaze on the way to your cube. Before she starts sending you poetic erotica involving you, her, and the copier toner cartridge on company email, I would nip it right quick by keeping interactions to a minimum. Be friendly, be polite, and be a very, very busy professional who just doesn't have time for chit-chat. Or anything else for that matter. What happened between you and her was after hours, not on the company dime, so keep that discussion outside the office as well. She's a woman, she has amazing instincts (yes, we all do) so I believe she'll get the hint. Yeah, it's gonna be awkward. And yeah, you're going to feel like an asshole. But chances are, with the happy hours y'all been keepin', someone else may be replacing you in the not-too-distant future, and soon he'll be writing us as well. P.S. - I assumed you didn't want a repeat performance by the tone of your e-mail. But if you do, then just do the exact opposite of everything I said. 'K?