Eyes Wide Shut

I am something of an oddity in the animal kingdom: A guy who doesn't like watching porno.

Two chicks going at it? I'll watch that any day. Three or five chicks? Even better. But watching a guy and a girl get into some straight-on fucking? I just can't watch it.

The problem: Nothing sickens me more than the male "money shot."

In college, my roommate and some of his drinkin' pals used to live for that shit. "Here it comes!" they'd shout in anticipation, right before the obliging female pornstar got drenched. But I couldn't even watch. Guys, I wanted to yell, that's a fucking dude shooting his load. Honestly, I don't need that shit in my life, thanks.

And when it comes to, y'know, wanking to porn, the law of averages dictates that you're every bit as likely to be staring at Ron Jeremy's greasy mug when you reach climax as you are Jenna Jameson's ass.

Too risky, as I see it. Just hand me a DVD copy of Swedish Lesbian Stewardesses in the Jungle of Doom and I'll be fine.