The Winds of New Hampshire

People, I had a dream. And it was one of those dreams in which I thought it was perfectly normal that my neighbor's dog would be trying to sky dive off the Golden Gate Bridge and Aunt Maude had suddenly turned lesbian and joined a Dyke-Byker gang and my parents and my third grade teacher kept walking in on me when I was trying to have sex with Fred Savage. Then suddenly, there was a loud boom, and it woke me up. No, it wasn't an earthquake. No, the shuttle was not re-entering Earth's atmosphere and landing at Edwards AFB. It was my fart, which rattled the windows and shook the whole bed like Epileptics Gone Wild. Just another typical night in ArielWorld. Except this time I wasn't alone. So after I realized the source of the explosion, I fearfully glanced at my sleeping mate. Asleep. Seems to be breathing normal, not overcome by toxic fumes. Thank you Jesus, and Mary, and all those saints, and G-d, and Bhudda. I fall back asleep with a little smile on my face. All is well with the world.

The next morning, I carefully smooth out my eyebrows, wipe the mollusks out of my eyes/nose/corners of mouth, place a Listerine tab on my tongue and then roll over. "Hi--" I start to say in my sexy, raspy, oh-I-just-woke-up-but-don't-I-look-good murmur. He's wide awake. Waiting.
"You. Made. The. Biggest. Fart. Last. Night. I. Have. Ever. Heard. In. My. Entire. Life."
Oh God.
I aim for utter ignorance and confusion. "Wha?--I--don't have a clue what you--mean, I just wok-"
"I think you blew the aluminum siding off the house."
"I didn't--it wasn't me!"
"Hey, at least you won't have to call pest control for the next five years."
And on and on it went. I hid my head under the pillow, then the mattress, then moved into the closet for the remainder of the day.

I so want to be one of those girls, the ones that can fart in public and burp The Star Spangled Banner and announce to a party full of beautiful people, "I'm out--gotta drop the kids off at the pool." But I can't. Blame it on modesty, on pre-post-feminist brainwashing or whatever, but I just can't. I turn the faucet on when I pee. I never do number two except in my own humble can (which wreaks havoc on the pipes during travel.) I say "Excuse me," and cover my mouth.

So what exactly is my id up to?