Kinky 2.0
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On the well-beaten path of Wham/Bam/Thank You Ma'am, we've all either asked or volunteered to take a few detours. Meaning that, while you'll ultimately end up in Orgasmopolis, you may take a few surface streets and back roads instead of the usual straight shot down Missionary Turnpike.
1. Rough-Housing/Spanking
None of this soft-lighting, kinda-out-of-focus, soothing Kenny G soundtrack bullshit for us, right? We wanna be fucked to Korn, slammed up against the wall, maybe knock over a few bookshelves. I consider the night a total wash if the neighbors don't call the police. With regards to spanking, it's hard to mess up. Just find two ass cheeks and slap the shit outta them. Not rocket science. However, I personally prefer my corporal punishment a little south of the tailbone, with the emphasis on quality as opposed to quantity. Otherwise I may have a flashback of the time I was disciplined for whacking my brother upside the head with my barbie doll, and that, frankly, is a turn off.
2. In Thru The Out Door
I'm skipping oral because come on, that's as standard now as AC in new cars. So let's continue our fixation of the gluteous maximus, shall we? This usually takes some prodding (yes, pun intended) and the mandatory use of lube. People, we're not in the dark ages, let's use common sense here. No need to walk like an ironing board on stilts the next day. Now, whilst a guy's eyes may not light up like a kid's on Christmas morn when you whip out your handy-dandy giant dildo (or maybe they do?), a strategically-placed finger can be quite effective. Thanks to those brave movie pioneers like Seann William Scott, "milking the prostrate" has become as mainstream as Emo music and Mojitos. Right? Right?
3. Role-Playing
This usually evolves from the giggly, drunken return to the apartment after that crazy Halloween party--remember, the one where you dressed up as that Catholic School Girl? Wasn't that a HOOT?!? So, where's that costume, anyway? It's packed away upstairs? Well, why don't we go get it? I know it's Sunday morning, but come on, it's just so...cute. Come on, please? WHY is it such a big deal to put it on? No, I'm not weird! You know what, forget it. Just forget it. I'm out. No, fuck YOU! **Slam.**
4. Third Party Endorsements
From what I've heard, when introducing the threesome into your daily bag of tricks, it's better to bring along someone who has no connection to either party instead of, say, Gina from Accounts Payable, as cute as she is. It's the kind of experience that should be recalled from memory only; fondly, of course, but with no regrets or complications. How do you find this fantastic, fun-loving, ready-for-anything individual? In the Yellow Pages, of course! Here's a hint: look under "E". And don't forget to tip, or her bouncer could get ugly.
On the well-beaten path of Wham/Bam/Thank You Ma'am, we've all either asked or volunteered to take a few detours. Meaning that, while you'll ultimately end up in Orgasmopolis, you may take a few surface streets and back roads instead of the usual straight shot down Missionary Turnpike.
1. Rough-Housing/Spanking
None of this soft-lighting, kinda-out-of-focus, soothing Kenny G soundtrack bullshit for us, right? We wanna be fucked to Korn, slammed up against the wall, maybe knock over a few bookshelves. I consider the night a total wash if the neighbors don't call the police. With regards to spanking, it's hard to mess up. Just find two ass cheeks and slap the shit outta them. Not rocket science. However, I personally prefer my corporal punishment a little south of the tailbone, with the emphasis on quality as opposed to quantity. Otherwise I may have a flashback of the time I was disciplined for whacking my brother upside the head with my barbie doll, and that, frankly, is a turn off.
2. In Thru The Out Door
I'm skipping oral because come on, that's as standard now as AC in new cars. So let's continue our fixation of the gluteous maximus, shall we? This usually takes some prodding (yes, pun intended) and the mandatory use of lube. People, we're not in the dark ages, let's use common sense here. No need to walk like an ironing board on stilts the next day. Now, whilst a guy's eyes may not light up like a kid's on Christmas morn when you whip out your handy-dandy giant dildo (or maybe they do?), a strategically-placed finger can be quite effective. Thanks to those brave movie pioneers like Seann William Scott, "milking the prostrate" has become as mainstream as Emo music and Mojitos. Right? Right?
3. Role-Playing
This usually evolves from the giggly, drunken return to the apartment after that crazy Halloween party--remember, the one where you dressed up as that Catholic School Girl? Wasn't that a HOOT?!? So, where's that costume, anyway? It's packed away upstairs? Well, why don't we go get it? I know it's Sunday morning, but come on, it's just so...cute. Come on, please? WHY is it such a big deal to put it on? No, I'm not weird! You know what, forget it. Just forget it. I'm out. No, fuck YOU! **Slam.**
4. Third Party Endorsements
From what I've heard, when introducing the threesome into your daily bag of tricks, it's better to bring along someone who has no connection to either party instead of, say, Gina from Accounts Payable, as cute as she is. It's the kind of experience that should be recalled from memory only; fondly, of course, but with no regrets or complications. How do you find this fantastic, fun-loving, ready-for-anything individual? In the Yellow Pages, of course! Here's a hint: look under "E". And don't forget to tip, or her bouncer could get ugly.
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