Top Ten Reasons Why I Probably Broke Up With You

1. The sex was bad.
2. The sex was bad.
3. The sex was bad.
4. The sex was bad.
5. The sex was bad.
6. The sex was bad.
7. The sex was bad.
8. The sex was bad.
9. The sex was bad.
10. The sex was bad.

Also, the sex was probably pretty bad.

On the other hand, when the sex is remarkably good, I often cling tenaciously to relationships long after the expiration date and everyone in the free world knows this girl is killing me, but goddam it, I just can't let it go. One former Kennette threatened to shiv my mother -- she wasn't joking about shivving my mother, but actually threatening to take a shiv and insert it into my mother -- and I just couldn't let her go because of that awesome "flicker" thing she could do with her tongue whenever she blew me.

Anyway, what got me thinking of all this was a conversation last night with a female friend who said, "Love isn't just sex." Okay, I'll buy that. But it's probably the best part. Sure, finding a soulmate -- someone to bake cookies and laugh at homeless people with -- is a beautiful thing. But if the sex is as muddled as the last season of Twin Peaks, it just ain't goin' anywhere as far as I'm concerned.

Let me put it to you, loyal readers. Let's say you met the person of your dreams -- unspeakably attractive, attentive to your every need, beloved by your parents, secretly desired by all your friends and absolutely devoted to you with every fiber of his or her being. The veritable person you've been waiting your whole life to meet, as the cliche goes. But the sex is impossibly lame, with no hope of ever schooling said paramour into a better lover.

Would you stick around?