The Mating Game, Chapter MCXXXXXVIII

I meet Bob. Bob is really cute and funny. He buys me dinner and calls me "sugar" on our first date. We go out again. And again. He introduces me to all his friends. We screw like frenzied chimps under extreme diress. We talk about the future, leaning dangerously close towards "we" and "us". He's dreamy. I'm goofily optimistic, blabbing to everyone from my friends to the cleaning lady. Then, suddenly, it happens. The phone no longer rings. Bob is nowhere to be found. Once the calls have been made to the local hospitals, police stations, and morgue, "Sugar" is disappointed, betrayed, furious. "Why the hell can't he just tell me what's going on?" I rage at my friends, who nod sympathetically and gently push the bottle of Cuervo in my direction. "I don't understand. If he's not into it, then just call me and say that!!!" I snuffle loudly, lick salt off my hand and deep throat the Cuervo.

Fast forward three months. I meet Bill. Bill is kinda cute and funny. He takes me to a super fancy place for dinner and calls me "Petal" on our first date. We go out again. And again. He introduces me to all his friends. We're about to screw like frenzi--hmmm, I don't know about Bill. He's just not doing it for me. He ALWAYS wants to hang out, he's always touching me, he keeps looking at me with these big puppy dog eyes. Jesus. Waaay too intense. Then suddenly, it happens. Bill's calls go directly to voice mail, and are not returned. I am nowhere to be found.