My Fear of Commitment

Friends, neighbors, countrymen,
Welcome to my ideal boyfriend shrine. Beautiful, no? His name is Kelly Slater. He is a pro surfer. If he were mine, I would spend most of my free time staring longingly at his picture, whilst he was out on the water 16 hours a day or traveling the world doing pro championships. His piercing eyes and ridiculously gorgeous physique would be in my grasp but for a few fleeting moments per year. And I would never be certain if he was getting happy endings by 90-pound Indonesian girls in Bali or Playmate boob rubs at Hefner's mansion. I would be an insecure, psychotic wreck. And that, my friends, is how I avoid intimate relationships.