You Call It Jerking Off. I Call It Saving My Life

According to the November 2005 issue of Men's Health: "Researchers discovered that men who ejaculated frequently between the ages of 20 and 50 were at markedly lower risk of developing prostate cancer. [Also,] Men in their 20s who ejaculated at least five times a week were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer during their mature years."

In other news, you're all invited to my 175th birthday. Mark your calendars.