Certainly, sir. Now, could you please fuck off and take your seat?

This post is dedicated to all those world-weary souls trying to get home for the holidays, who will be beaten down by overbearing relatives, given socks and hideous sweaters, and then will have to turn around and go through it all again just to get back to work:

-May your shuttle van to the airport just happen along the disabled Hooters bus on I-5 and have plenty of room for extra passengers;

-May your wait in the security line be expedited by childless non-octogenarians who are barefoot, don't wear belts or jewelry, and have one carry-on;

-May your flight attendants be the stuff of legends: insanely attractive, super eager to make your flight as pleasant as possible, and completely charmed and delighted by your clever and witty banter about airline food.

-And finally, may your trips to the bathroom be the exclusive priviledge of a confirmed Mile-High Club member, and not a traumatic exposure to an 80-year old changing his Depends who forgot to lock the door.