Thanksgiving Day Cometh

My fellow Americans,
Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. And unless you're a card-carrying member of Al Kay-duh, we're all stuck with this one. Think of it as the opportunity to go back from whence we came; to unlock the secrets of our past. And, as Aunt Ida slaps Cousin Ronnie and Grandpa farts during Grace, we will realize, once again, why we're so fucked up. So stuff your face with turkey and pumpkin pie until the pain of a deprived childhood is huddled somewhere between your pancreas and large intestine. Drown your infinite sorrows with the case of PBR that Uncle Johnny was thoughtful enough to bring (again) this year. And don't forget to tell your date, sitting in a catatonic trance as your father relates his disappointment with Cialis, that hey, if you play yer cards right, all this could someday be yours.