Must... Keep... Focused...

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Writer for the children's program "Hi-5."

Stop.

Just... stop.

I know what you're up to. Okay, sure, a kid's program. With well-scrubbed teens singing songs and performing skits for an animated crown of five year olds. Everything's bright and shiny and ever-so-innocent.

Only, it isn't.

Case in point: A couple month's back, you'll recall my raging against the abomination that was the song "Let's Blow Blow Blow Some Kisses." This morning, I'm greeted with the equally affecting "Cow Milking Song," in which one of the cast members -- "Karla" -- milks an imaginary cow, pumping her fists with the fluid grace of a pornstar while belting out the lines "pull and squeeze/pull and squeeze."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Dudes, I'm a busy man. Work to do. Money to earn. Women to attempt to satisfy. There's only so many times I can explain my tardiness to the boss until I accidentally slip up and say, "Christ almighty, I just can't make it to the office on time because I can't stop masturbating to the girls of Hi-5." And when that day comes... shit will go nuts.

You know I'm not a strong man. Hell, a woman could read me the ingredients off a sack of cinammon bread and I'd be fighting a hard-on. But this stuff is getting far too blatant. I'm gonna have to ask you to curb it for a while -- or maybe reschedule the show for the evening hours. At least until my next review.

And, hey, I notice on the Hi-5 website that "Karla specializes in fun movement."

Fuck, yeah, I'd say.