The Slacks That Roared

Good morning. I'm your new VP of Global Operations. How are you? Coffee's over there. Donuts and muffins, too. Have a bunch. But hands off the cocaine and vodka--they're mine.

Heh, heh. I kid. No drugs here. Now, please, take a seat. This presentation won't last long. Plenty of room for everyone.

As I said, I'm the new VP of Global Operations. I have been hired away from the competition to spearhead this company's international expansion. I drive a Hummer. My teeth are smack-my-ass white. My last haircut cost more than your rent. My name is Steven.

Oh, and have you noticed the bulge?

If you say you haven't, you're obviously lying. You see, I'm wearing these extra tight flat-front chinos today, the ones that accentuate every goddam inch of the thing. And there's a lot of inches here.

Intriguing, isn't it? And sizable. Almost obscenely. Oh, and it's not a sock. So all you hatas in the crowd, curb your jealousy.

You'll notice that I don't stand still when I give my presentation, preferring to pace back and forth. That's because I want to give the impression that I'm being led around the room by this fucking thing. Like it's some sort of crazed python or a midget driving a giant Steven robot. Also, the cocaine keeps me pretty wired. Heh, again with the drug humor. What a card.

Anyway, consider, if you will, the fact that I'm getting this sort of bulge-age when the fucking thing is flaccid. Imagine if one of you lucky ladies in the front few rows were asked to give it a quick rub? Can your mind contain the horrors that would be unleashed if I was suddenly caught in the throes of an erection? We're talking real Incredible Hulk action here. But with cock. You get it?

I have to admit, I'm really a bit insecure. I mean, I was just hired for more money than this company is paying its entire customer service department. I'm supposed to be the architect of our global operations. And, truth be told, I have no bloody idea what I'm talking about. Yeah, I speak Spanish and some Portuguese. And I've eaten at that French place once or twice. But that's really it. So I spout things like "core values" and "speed-to-market" and "rogue spending" as if I had some semblance of an idea about what it all means. And I wear the pants, hoping that I can keep the female CEO transfixed long enough to stay on the payroll for yet another week.

So in closing, let me say that I know you're going to enjoy working with me. And my bulge. Feel free to refer to me as "the guy with the cock" and whittle away the hours at the copy machine, making jokes about fellating me. Just don't touch my cocaine or vodka. Heh... of course, I mean the non-existent cocaine and vodka, which isn't in the top left drawer of my desk.

This meeting is over. Now get out. Out, I said.

::cries, runs off stage. Curtain::