Elope. Thank you.

You want me to be your bridesmaid? Wow, that's...great. No really, what an honor. Let me open several new lines of credit for the following:
-a bridesmaid dress that I'll never wear in public again
-silver/lilac/forest green shoes, same reason as above
-present for engagement party from registry (Tiffany's or Bloomingdales, both reasonably-priced department stores)
-present for bridal shower from registry (see above)
-plane ticket to Atlantic City for "crazy" bachelorette party
-$500 for hotel room, spa treatment, meals, drinks, gambling, stripper for bride-to-be
-$75 for bridesmaids' gift to the bride (what a brilliant concept!)
-$200 for gas to drive to Bar Harbor, Maine for wedding ceremony
$195 for room at Lighthouse Inn
-$150 for hairdresser, makeup, nail salon
So in closing, let me again say how happy I am that you've asked me to be in your wedding. Please keep in mind that I will most likely suppress my resentment until the reception, whereupon I will commence to get shitfaced on watered-down vodka tonics, make a toast that'll make your dad blush and your mom faint, then attempt to sleep with the best man, the DJ, and the 18-year old barback in rapid succession. Mazeltov!