Don't Let Them Fool You. They Get Around.

If the dudes on the CD cover above were, say, the landscapers who came to take care of your Mom's lawn each week, they probably wouldn't garner a second look. In fact, they'd be the creepy guys you laughed with your friends about. More simply put, blowing them probably wouldn't cross your mind.

Put guitars in their hands, however, and they're instantly fuckable. It's the rock star mystique, and it transcends looks, bank account, communicable diseases... just about anything.

Of course, even as a heterosexual male, I can understand girls wanting to bone the dude from The Killers or any of The Strokes or even Ryan Cabrera [maybe]. But with guitar in hand, looks are immediately inconsequential. Dude, Lyle Lovett banged Julia Roberts. And their marriage broke up because he was caught cheating?! End of story.

But said musicians don't even need to be famous. Never mind the chicks lined up to nail the guy in the local KISS cover band; I've been at fucking corporate trade shows where fifty year old executives -- yes, that's right, your Dad's fishing buddies -- take guitars in hand and cavort onstage while fortysomething female executives swoon and gyrate their hips like a pack of demented wolverines. And as I sit here and stare at this photo, two things keep popping into my head:

1) Each of these guys has had more sex than I will ever have in my life, even if I died and was reborn 57 times.

2) Why in the name of fuck didn't I learn to play the guitar?