Deal Breaker

Not that any of us are shallow people, but we all have our "deal breakers" -- those things, nitpicky and otherwise, that would instantly torpedo any potential hook-up.

I have two, and they're quite simple:

First: A bad kisser.

Kissing someone for the first time should be one of those "dearholygod" moments, in which our heads go numb, feet come loose from their moorings, and we can actually feel the blood shifting through our veins. It's the excitement and raw hormonal urge that can only be set off by the smell and taste of someone's breath, the feel of their mouth, and the warmth of two bodies coming together that can sometimes be even better than the sex itself. But if the kiss is bad, well, that's usually the harbinger of incredibly "icky" fucking. Not always, but usually. Simply put, when the kiss is bad, my libido turns to thoughts of what's on TV.

Second, a lousy ass.

This is probably the most bootycentric period in our history, yet some women continue to wear pants and undergarments that flatten their ass to boxlike proportions. And in my book, there's nothing unhotter than a lousy ass. Don't nobody want to fuck Spongebob Squarepants. And if you do, well... that's between you and your therapist.