You guessed it

"Why is your best friend a GIRL?"

I posed this question to a recent boyfriend and waited for the Bullshit Express to pull into the station.

"We've known each other since high school...I used to date her sister and she was like my little sister (WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!)...she's like one of the guys, she loves to just hang out with us and get stoned, watch sports, go camping..." That's when he happened to notice that one of my talons was uncomfortably close to his ballsack. Stepping backwards into the dog's food bowl, he hurriedly continued: "And I'm totally not attracted to her, she's so not my type."

Yeah. Uh-huh. We'll see about that. I don't care if you've been best friends since you were fetuses and have gotten shitfaced 80 million times together without so much action as a handshake. Sex is always lurking in the background, giggling crazy like that guy in the Jetta ad.
Someone's attracted to someone, and I'm about to find out if it's her or him.

So I meet the best friend, and--it's her, not him.

I size up my competition. She's short, which I like. And she's juuust a bit heavier than me, which I REALLY like. She does her best to make a good impression, as do I. We make nice, cheerfully chatting whilst sending each other evil telepathic messages:

Get a month-long cottage-cheese-type yeast infection, troll.

May you develop cold sores, genital warts, and herpes within the same week, cuntface.

Boyfriend beams with approval. "We should all go to Joe's cookout next Saturday!" Gee, can't wait. Troll already has the upper hand because she's one of the guys, and I'm just the new bimbo he's screwing lately.

Fast forward to the big b-b-q. I'm white knuckling it and avoiding the keg; that pin doesn't need to be pulled from the grenade--yet. I watch Troll in action and quickly figure out her game: she loves being one of the guys because that way she can pretend she's the center of attention. When Boyfriend strolls by, I see her grab his arm. I see the look in her eye as she pulls his neck down for a "friendly" hug. Troll bitch is going DOWN tonight, people.

Fast forward to the driveway at 1:36 AM. Apparently Troll did not like the way I was talking to one of Boyfriend's buddies (I was asking him how to get back on the freeway) and felt it was her duty as Boyfriend's best friend to inform him of my whorish behavior. Boyfriend laughs at her, which makes Troll mad. She weaves towards me (midgets cannot really hold their liquor) and starts going off about what a slut I am, how she knew the minute she met me I was no good for him, blah blah blah. I'm about to tell her to shut the fuck up but boyfriend's buddy beats me to the punch. Quickly realizing she's lost any and all support for her cause, she decides to shove me against the parked car. I shove her back. Boyfriend is nowhere to be found. Boyfriend's buddy doesn't know whether to break it up or enjoy the show. I'm getting nervous, not about getting my ass kicked by a dwarf but about earning the life-long rep of "the Girlfriend who got into a Catfight at Joe's party."

Thankfully, Troll decides that I'm too big or she's too drunk, and she stumbles away and falls into the bushes. Boyfriend reappears, asking everyone what the hell happened. People, did he take my side, promise to never speak to Troll again? Nope. He "couldn't believe that she would ever do something like that" and wanted us to get together and work it out. That's when I made my hasty exit.

See ya, Boyfriend. Hope you and Troll have beautiful little people together.