Fuck Buddy Rules

As we all know, in order to keep our universe neat and tidy, there are rules. This also applies to a fun and irreverent pasttime, the fuck buddy. The following are some general rules of etiquette to keep things running smoothly:

-Attraction can be mutual, but cannot exceed 67%.
-Call time and visiting hours are only between 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM. No daylight hours, peak hours, roaming, etc.
-You can fornicate like sweaty chimpanzees (that's what you do best, right?) and yeah, if you're too tanked/tired, stay over. But, going out for breakfast or staying beyond 11:03 AM is treading in seriously dangerous waters.
-A true fuck buddy shows up suitably late at the party, and upholds the unspoken agreement that if there's no other fuckable opportunities for either participant, then it's go time. But if someone does get lucky with fresh meat, the other fuck buddy must gracefully acquiesce.
-ABSOLUTELY NO family functions, bar mitzvahs, barbeques, "your friend's wedding and you really need a date" situations are allowed. The less you know about each other's lives, the better.
-No cuddling.
-No exchange of gifts on any occasion, and absolutely no contact on Valentine's Day (unless, by chance, it falls on a weekend night between the hours of 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM.)
-No gossiping or in-depth conversations about each other to friends. In fact, avoid bringing each other into any social circles, if possible. The last thing you need is a high school drama.

Fuck buddies generally have a life span of 6 to 8 months, tops. After that you usually find someone else, fall for each other, or, worst case scenario (and usually the most typical,) one of you falls in love, the other doesn't feel the same way, never did, never will, and you become angry, depressed, deranged, suicidal, and have several restraining orders and assault charges pending.
So let's be careful out there, little fuckers.