Cold Hard Bitch

Dear Johnny,
I know we've been friends a long time; therefore I feel it is my duty and obligation to inform you that your girlfriend is a total fucking cow. I am not alone in my belief; all your friends think so, too. She treats you like dog shit. She yells at you all the time in public, she never lets you go out to McNally's anymore, and Jason told me she is making you trade in your motorcycle for an SUV. When she does grace us with her presence, she's always whining about how she's not having a good time and wants to go home, and we all recall the fun night she threw that fit and got us thrown out of Hal's because she thought you were trying to pick up the bartender, when you were just asking her to break a $20.

So Johnny, could you please explain to us why, in God's name, you are still with such a raging psycho bitch? If it's because she's great in bed, or gives killer head, that's lame. Because no blow job in the world is worth the misery and daily truckload of bullshit that you put up with. I hate to say this Johnny, but we think you're pussy-whipped by a spawn of Satan and if you don't get rid of her we're going to hog tie her to the bed and have a good old fashioned Exorcism. We're only doing this because we love you, Johnny. You're a good guy and you deserve better. Believe it or not, there are girls out there that don't care if you make less than $100k and like to drink beer and watch football. They're perfectly fine with the fact that you have your own life and want to go hang out with your friends. They love themselves and love their bodies and don't need constant validation or attention. I promise you Johnny, your life can be a much happier place if you just dump the stupid cunt NOW.
Yours with loving concern,
Ariel.