Modern-day version of The Chastity Belt

After a particularly labor-intensive, 500-meter-freestyle session of sex, I suddenly realized with horror that the economy-size box of Magnum Extra Sensitive condoms was spent.

"Quick, stud boy, get your ass to CVS!" I yelled, running to the fridge to grab the backup supply of whipped cream and Junior Mints. "And get me some Gatorade."

"Why do I always have to go?"

"Why? Because boys are supposed to buy condoms. Girls aren't."

"What is this, Victorian England? Give me a break. I thought you were an independent, free-thinking, American woman with a healthy sexual addiction."

"I am! But what if I run into Aunt Bernice? Or my dad's golfing buddy?"

"Tell them you'd love to chat but you've got an appointment to get fucked six ways from Sunday. Now git, before I decide to go home and watch porn instead."

I grumbled, threw on sweats, a baseball cap pulled down low and headed for the CVS two towns over. I walked up and down the aisles, summing up the clientele: old man squinting at reading glasses, woman reading trashy Harlequin in Magazines section. Harmless. I quickly headed over to Family Planning. What the--a glass case?!? Locked?!? I pressed my nose to the glass. So close--I could almost smell the latex. I eyeballed the badly scribbled note: "Pls. see Assosiate For Asistance"

Oh fuck. This is not what I signed up for. Then I remembered the Naked Male with a full canister of whipped cream who may very well leave me for Jenna Jamison. I hurried to the front.

Crotchety octogenarian with dangerous overuse of scrunchies was behind the register. "Excuse me," I said with the sweetest, virginal, church-going voice I could muster. "I need your assistance with, um, something."

"Yeah?"

"Um, can I show you? It's at the aisle where the, uh, products are kept."

"I'm the only one on the floor right now."

"It's really simple, I just need something--unlocked."

Her eyes narrowed. "Like what?" Meanwhile, a soccer mom with 109 seven-year olds came in, followed by a man I could have sworn had officiated my sister's wedding. "Never mind," I said quickly. "No, come on, show me," she snapped, coming around the counter.

Head held low, I led her to the smudged glass case and silently pointed to my prize. She gave me a disgusted look and unlocked the case. By the time she rang me up I had the entire Lower Falls Tigers Soccer Team behind me, their little heads peeking around my Harlot posterior. "Mommy, what does that say? M-A-G-N-"

I am writing a letter to the president of CVS with a heartfelt plea to stop screwing with my sex life. Right after I place my order for a year's supply of Magnum condoms. Online.