It's as American as Apple Pie--McDonald's Apple Pie.

I read the New York Times. I listen to NPR. I pick up my dog's poop from my neighbor's lawn. I recycle plastic, glass, and cardboard.

But really, who the hell am I kidding?

Deep down, in my artery-clogged soul, I am white trash.

I watch TV in my grannie pants, a stained "Tweety!" t-shirt from Walmart and no bra.

I pick my toes, watching such intellectual fare as "The Swan" and "North Shore."

I eat anything with -os, such as Cheetos, Doritos, and Fritos.

I believe Ding Dongs and Devil Dogs are an essential part of a nutritional breakfast.

Budweiser is a great source of protein.

Cigarettes are good for you because they make your lungs work harder.

Mac and Cheese is my version of a home-cooked meal.

And last but not least, why I gotta shave my legs? Aint nobody gonna see 'em til next June!