"Stars--they're just like us!"-US Weekly

Oh hell yeah, you betcha. Every time I go get my latte at BigBucks I'm absofuckinlutely MOBBED by goddamn paparazzi and little brats whining for autographs. I'd just like a little privacy, OK? Is that too much to ask?

Well, actually, yes it is. When you officially begin your 15 minutes, an agent (Lucifer's stunt double) extracts payment: anytime you're in a public place, like, say, your bathroom, you're in the public eye. Sure, some valiant celebs like Alec Baldwin or Sean Penn take the kick-the-shit-out-of-everyone approach; but the rest of 'em scurry off to the plastic surgeon or the enema spa or snort an 8-ball so they can look 'effortlessly' fabulous getting coffee or grocery shopping when caught on camera.

What's the trickle-down effect? Schmucks like yours truly who compulsively flip through the glossy pages and think, whoa, if I have to look that good buying Charmin and tampons, I better get the fuck out of LA.