But mommy, I want to be a dude

What a pain in the ass it is to be a hot chick. You might think we just roll out of bed, shake out our hair and bam! We're Giselle. But that's a fucking myth, even if you ARE Giselle. It takes work to look this good, and don't let any stupid actress in US Weekly tell you otherwise.

Wanna know what's behind the curtain? Let's start with the shower curtain (after a 2-hour workout at 5AM): shave the legs. Shave the pits. Exfoliate. Shampoo. Condition. Hot Oil treatment. Deep cleansing gel. Facial wash. Then it's moisturize. Brush. Floss. Gargle. Apply foundation. Powder. Deodorant. Lipliner. I haven't dried my hair yet and I'm still naked at this point, while you guys are already eating dinner. And it doesn't help matters that satanic marketers feature yet another "must-have" beauty product in Anorexic Monthly magazine like fucking spray-on foundation for LEGS or an anti-aging ear-lobe cream.

With this grueling regimen, I've worked up quite an appetite. Too bad I can only eat things that have no carbs or sugar, such as water, or air. So now you have a "hottie" on your hands who's broke from buying products, dizzy from malnutrition, and really, really ornery. Oh, and guess what--I think I'm getting my period. (Guys, a little friendly advice: don't walk--RUN!).