Greatest mystery finally SOLVED

Thank you, Greg Behrendt. Finally I can be at peace. For years, I wondered: surely Johnny must've broken all his fingers in the car door when he didn't call after our second date. Or that Ralph was most likely abducted by aliens when he failed to show up for my nana's 90th birthday party. Thanks to Mr. Behrendt, I've uncovered the truth: Those guys are fucks.