my beer goggles need lasik eye surgery--STAT

Whenever I'm bored, which is every 2.5 seconds, I like to Google ex boyfriends. I usually start with "America's Most Wanted" 's web site and go from there. Sometimes, I come up with fifty thousand Jim O'Briens (damn those Irish, can't they come up with more names?), all part of some Mormon ancestry site-- "Jim married Martha in 1823 and had two children, Ezekiel and Hezekiah..." But sometimes I get lucky, and I hit the jackpot. And I find PICTURES. Then the next words out of my mouth are, "Fuckin Hell, what in the CHRIST was I thinking?!!?"
When I was dating so-and-so, beer goggles and daily fucking convinced me he was a hottie. I would jokingly warn my friends, "Hey, watch out, I know y'all want him but I've peed on him, hands off." And they would roll their eyes. Now I realize that it wasn't the roll of your eyes like, oh Ariel, you're paranoid but oh so right, your man is sooo cute. It was a roll of the eyes like, "Oh God I'm about to puke, he's so repulsive, she can't be serious. Quick, look up at the ceiling! Regain composure!" I'd be thinking he looks like this, but instead he looked more along the lines of this.
Anyway, I need to either stop hitting the keg or tell my doc to burn out my eye sockets. Stay tuned...